23 February, 2003 - 1:22 p.m.

it amazes me to know that even as we grow older, become wiser, and experience more .. there are always pockets of time in our lives where we feel like we have no control over what happens at all.

The actions that we take, the consequences that these actions incur .. it spins me out how sometimes I can see how I got from point A to point B, and yet there are other times when it feels completely random. How do you compete against that? How do you go about forming a plan of attack against difficulties that sneak up behind you?

A girlfriend of mine's boyfriend committed suicide last week. Prior to them finding his body, he had been missing for about a week. How does anyone justify not knowing his whereabouts for an entire week? Where do you even start to begin and question how nobody acknowledged his disappearance before seven whole days had passed?

I saw my friend, her pain and anguish clearly written across her face, and I couldn't do anything except hold her hand, or give her a hug, or let her rest her head on my shoulder whilst I stroked her hair gently and tried to communicate how sorry I was without using clumsy words.

I felt so useless.

As I was driving home along the freeway later that night, I noticed that I was the only car out there. Granted it was 2:30am, but there's usually one or two others out there. It felt very strange and disconcerting not having the red tail lights of other cars out there with me. I could sense that now all too familiar feeling of fear about the future and what that will entail for myself and for the people who are close to me starting to build up inside of me again.

But then was not the time to start freaking out, so I tied a concrete block around that thought and flung it back deep inside somewhere. Things would have been okay, too, if it hadn't have been for the red and white flickering lights of this one aeroplane flying up overhead that caught my eye.

And then there it was; that awful sense of being trapped again. The sight of those quick flashes of light managed to conjure up every metaphor that there ever was for standing still and being trapped. trapped in a lifestyle that we don't like. trapped in a loveless marriage. trapped with a deep seated hurt that won't ease. trapped with a harsh memory that won't erase. trapped with a decision to make where none of the choices are without their consequences.

It would just be a lot easier if we could all just hop on a plane and leave it all behind. If by constantly moving, we could escape ever getting caught and tagged by our problems. Sure, it may seem like we're "running away from our problems", but sometimes that seems like the most reasonable option.

People often forget how much we all just long for things to be reasonable and fair.