14 June, 2002 - 11:17 a.m.

confessions of a teenage idiot #217

I wish there was some way in which I could tell this tale without coming out as the bad guy. Alas, I have resigned myself to the fact that if I were the "nice guy" that I wished I was, then I wouldn't be having these thoughts and feelings to start off with.

Oh yes, it's all come around full circle, all right. Full circle to bite me on the ass.

Y'see, a long, long, looong time ago, there used to be this guy. This one amazing guy that made my heart do that skippy thing, and my eyes sparkle, and my toes tingle, and all that jazz. He could make me laugh without trying. Cry without saying a word. And made me feel more special and important than I could have possibly imagined it possible.

Years have passed us by now, and we've been through so many ups and downs that for quite a while it was a virtual merry-go-round. We've gone through the fancying each other stage, to the fighting stages, and now we're up to the trying to make it up as friends stage.

Sometimes it goes well, and sometimes .. well. I think he put it well last night when he said "I guess this is what they call unresolved sexual tension."

And thus it continues .. this hopeless game of trying to deny what my body craves for, but what my head knows will inevitably re-break my heart.

It just can't be helped. I desperately want to be his friend. I want to be able to talk and laugh with him as normal friends do. I want to be able to receive a hug from him, and then walk away from it like normal people do.

I don't want this part of me to want to hang on for as long as possible. I don't want for him to cast a glance in my direction filled with desire, and then feel hurt when it doesn't come - or worse, to feel my own eyes dilate with my reciprocated response.

However, if that were the case, I guess there wouldn't be a problem.

But the reality is that that is our problem. Is it possible for two people who were once involved to become platonic playmates again? Or is this why most people stop being friends with their ex's? It just doesn't make sense, though. I've been sharing a house with an ex of mine for the past three years, and nothing has ever sparked up between us.

It's crazy. I'm in this wonderful relationship with this guy who's really genuine, and nice, and sweet, and cares about me .. and I care about him, too. I really do. But for some reason, he has never been able to illicit the same feelings in my body the way that the other has.

I think *my* biggest problem is that I need to sort out which I rank as a higher priority.

Chemistry, or committment.

.. I just don't know.