09 November, 2002 - 2:54 p.m.

I woke up this morning feeling a sense of loneliness that I haven't felt in a very long time. The kind of loneliness that stifles you. The kind that scares you. The kind that makes you feel like there is no hope -- no hope for anything.

sure it all sounds very dramatic, but hey, it's how I felt. quit trivialising it.

You would think that the bright sun, the cloudless blue skies, and the warm temperature would be enough to keep my spirits up .. but for some reason it just stirs up the fact that I feel incomplete as a person more and more. I walked out to the mail box out front and noticed all of these kids playing catch on their front lawns, a couple bringing in their saturday groceries together, and a ten year old boy playing with his five year old sister in the sprinklers.

.. how I envied them their pure innocence and naivety. Their committed relationships. Their familial bond.

I turned a slow three-sixty circle and just took it all in. I remembered thinking about all the friends I have spread out in all directions of where I was standing, and how I didn't feel the urge to pick up the phone and call any of them. Or maybe I'm just waiting for them to call me.

It's amazing .. it was broad daylight, and I felt exactly the same as when you go to one of those parties and wonder if anybody would really notice if you weren't there.