05 January, 2004 - 9:37 p.m.

my 4 closest girlfriends took me out for a birthday dinner tonight.

I've known these girls for upwards of ten years of my life so far. that's a big call for somebody who's only just turned 21 today.

they've lasted through the arguments that start over nothing. the tears produced by heartache. the crazy kind of laughter which makes you lose your breath and fall sideways off your chair.

they've been there for me during the pre-exam stress. and then afterwards to clap me on the back and tell me that I've done fine. they're the ones I'll celebrate with after good results get released, or they'll be the ones who'll give me a hug and lend me a shoulder when the results are less than satisfactory.

they're the ones who I've done the movie-esque pyjama sleepovers with, complete with Grease sing-a-longs, popcorn, and mudmasks. the ones I first got drunk with in secret. the ones I snuck out with when I was too young to actually be allowed out.

they're the ones I call up at 3.30am and ask for a lift home from a party out in the middle of nowhere. the ones who'll come and raid my wardrobe for their next saturday night date. the ones who I miss the most when I'm away from home for too long - when I'm overseas, and everything else around me is foreign.

they're my closest girlfriends in the world.

so why is it that while we were out at dinner tonight, I felt so alien to them? why was it that when there was a lull in the conversation, I could feel the death of just one more of our special memories.

yes, we grow up. but does that mean that we also have to grow apart? how is that possible to do when we're always around each other? how did we all change so much that now, when I look at them one by one sitting across from me at the table, I can't see passed the exterior at what I used to be able to see?

if you were to ask me what I fear in life the most, the answer for me would be as simple as :

change.