13 May, 2002 - 6:25 p.m.

As I walked briskly along the mall tonight after work, all hunched up against the cold inside my warm jacket, I remember looking upwards into the near dark sky and seeing the skyscrapers soaring high above me with their lights beckoning - their silent promise of warmth within the confines of four walls .. and then I couldn't help but think about all the different kinds people that are still sitting behind those thick reinforced glass windows.

Are they happy with their life? Are they content with the job that they're doing? Are they working late because they have a deadline that they daren't miss, or because they believe that they haven't got anything better to go home to?

These ponderances lead me onto thinking about where I am in my life right now. I have a secure job, a promotion looming on the horizon, and a pay rise to look forward to in the coming month. I recently bought a car that most would be proud to own - especially seeing as I did it all by myself, and all by the age of nineteen as well. I have a large group of good friends, and a larger group of friendly aquaintances.

So if I don't lack for company .. then why do I constantly feel like I'm alone?

And one by one, it all started sinking in; the fact that I don't have a "best friend" that I can tell all my deepest secrets to. That I don't even have anybody close enough to me anymore that I can discuss some of the issues that weigh more heavily on my mind. Am I one of those people that one day will still be in the office after dark, working away on a project that doesn't require that much dedication to the cause simply because I have nowhere better to go?

Sure, I'm still young .. and I've always told everyone else who seems impatient about having their life fall into shape perfectly that it's all about biding our time. About watching and waiting. About being patient. And that slowly, piece by piece, we will build our life to be what we want it to be.

But for some reason tonight, as I stepped off the bus at my stop and started walking toward home, the fear that it won't all turn out okay packed me a full punch into my gut. And there I was -- on this dark side street surrounded by smoking chimneys, family sedans, barking family pets, and indistinct dinner smells mingling in the still air around me -- thinking about how this moment was going to affect the rest of my life.

And God .. for a minute or two I just felt so completely lost - lost to the point where waves of nausea were just washing over me in huge unrelenting waves. I'm certain that sometime during the tenure of my life I've freaked out before. Heck, I know that I have. But I think that I experienced my first proper panic attack. After a few more minutes of feeling disoriented, I took a couple of deep breaths and forced myself to place one foot in front of the other and walk the remaining 200m home.

Right now I'm not even sure of what really brought it on .. but currently, in my calmer state of mind, I guess that I can only really follow the advice that I gave myself out there in middle of it all - and that's to just take it one step at a time.

One way or another.