06 February, 2003 - 7:55 p.m.

you know you're sub-consciously neurotic when you're making dinner and you look down to realise that you've pulled out a green bowl to place and heat the beans in and a yellow bowl to place and heat the corn in.

it only sinks in deeper when you look over at the stovetop, and realise that you've got the saucepans arranged from largest to smallest in a clockwise direction with their handles all pointing in the same direction. what would basically be 8 o'clock, so that when you go over to stir something, you can just steady it with your left hand as you stir with your right.

or the fact that you wash each item as you use it, and lay it out to dry while you attend to dinner so that you can put them all away as you're going.

or when you've gone into your bedroom to put your handbag away and realise that it matches your shirt and shoes perfectly. or that your bedsheets and pillowslips provide an exact contrast (or a relatively neutral compliment) to your duvet cover.

I mean, okay, maybe that's a normal girly neuroticism; but the matching bowls for the corn and the beans without even thinking?

.. I think I need help.

I used to think I was just a tidy person.

Neat. Precise. Clean. Concise. Orderly. Exact.

Now I'm beginning to think "deeply troubled" might be a more fitting description.

gah.