02 February, 2004 - 8:47 p.m.

[foreword: yes, I know that this entry needs a LOT of editing.]

I'm only human, so it's a given that my life has been - and will continue to be - rife with mistakes. Luckily, I will live and learn with the best of them. You can tell me that making mistakes is the best way to learn, and that I should knock on wood that none have left me in dire straits as yet .. but the thing that drives me up the wall is when somebody who doesn't know me or my situation worth a dime, chirps out that I should look on the bright side of life. It just makes me feel that getting a degree in b.s these days is as easy as falling off a log. I figure my way of living has gotten me this far, so if it ain’t broke - don’t fix it.

But I guess what goes around, comes around, and they will learn the hard way that not everybody comes out of this cookie cutter mold that gets a Happily Ever After ending.

If life is short, then remember to stop and smell the roses sometimes, because you never know what tomorrow will bring. And if you do happen to find yourself staring down the barrel of a gun and wondering where the best years of your life have gone - don't say I didn't warn you.

If it's true that all good things come to those who wait, how do we figure out just how long we are to wait before we give up? give in? I don't want to spend the rest of my life running against the wind.

I don't want to spend my life loving the person that I'm with because I can't be with the person that I love. I couldn't care less if there are plenty more fish in the sea - if it's true that what goes around comes around, then how come my heart hasn't found its way back to me yet?

If goodbye is not an easy word to say, then why make it such an easy thing to do? I turn the radio on, I turn the radio up - and all the songs seem to have the same message echoing throughout.

'cause you say you see straight through me, don't you? - Coldplay

but I still haven't found what I'm looking for - U2

it all comes down to nothing - Dave Matthews Band

if you gave me just a coin for every time we say goodbye - Dido

So I've decided that if you can't beat them, join them. And in less than three weeks time, I will. As for the rest of you elsewhere .. some day. some day we will be saying hello instead of goodbye. But until then, what doesn't kill me will only serve to make me stronger, right? However, if there is nothing to fear but fear itself, then I'm afraid that I may be my very own worst enemy, as often I’ve counted my chickens before they’ve hatched – and these pipedreams .. well, they may end up as nothing more that just that.

If everything was as easy as pie to do, to be, to learn .. then how come nobody is perfect? Is it because we all prefer to call it a day before we're willing to go that extra mile? Hey, I'll admit to it. Sometimes I do find it easier to throw in the towel, rather than choose to go back to the old drawing board because I know how infuriating being back at square one time and time again can be. There’s no point telling me that I’ll figure out how to cross that bridge when I come to it, because if it walks like a duck, quacks like a duck, and looks like a duck - it must be a duck. It’s like saying that a rose by any other name would smell as sweet .. people forget that it also works in reverse as well – so that garbage bin full of fish scraps will still smell just as bad if we called it hot cinnamon donuts.

On a lighter note .. I realise that finding those far and few between happy moments in ours lives is like looking for a needle in a haystack, but despite this, I have discovered that occasionally we are given a lucky break. The only advice that I can offer is that when this once in a blue moon opportunity does present itself, you need to get out there and make hay while the sun shines, because although the grass is always seems greener on the other side, you should be happy with what you've been given. Put in the hard yards now, and you’ll find that everything will be coming up roses in no time. Besides, there's no point in comparing apples and oranges - the people who made up clichés were wrong .. what's good for the goose is not always good for the gander.

So put that in your pipe and smoke it, mr cliché makerer.

Penny for your thoughts ..