28 July, 2003 - 8:55 p.m.

I would be one of the first people to put my hand up and admit that I often over-react over the simplest things. That maybe I take some things to heart far too easily, and check others in at the door without giving them equal opportunity to unfurl into what they are meant to be and/or mean. I guess that that's a rather large downfall of mine - the fact that I'm so quick to jump to the defensive, and not weigh up everything until after the initial fall-out.

Like how I constantly find myself bickering with my friends because they get sick of how I am always so quick to paint them as the bad guys, when the truth of the matter is that I would be hard pressed to find others who cared about me more without audibly asking for anything in return.

But yeah, I admit that we often butt heads because of my incredible selfishness. I've been through some rough times - but who hasn't? however, in my refusal to share my thoughts and feelings with them, I guess they view it as me not caring enough about them to include them in what makes me me. And every time they tried to be there for me, I would just push harder and harder, until eventually they gave up trying to break through to me. Of course as soon as they stop trying, I eagerly take the chance to accuse them of not caring about me at all. After enough fights about the same things .. I guess everybody concludes that I'm just not worth lending the effort to anymore.

That's their call.

After many months of self-analysing, I can see this now. But it's apparent that although I saw, and see, the wrong in myself - it doesn't mean that I can act in any better a manner. People are supposed to learn from their mistakes, and yet when it comes to certain situations, I keep finding myself making the same ones.

It's difficult to change your spots when you've lived with them for so long, though.