23 January, 2004 - 5:54 p.m.

It's funny, sort of, this perpetual cycle of happy -> sad -> happy -> sad -> happy. I guess it's that thing that we call life. But sometimes you spend so much time and energy focusing on the decline that the sudden sharp "omg, something's going right" incline takes a while to register.

Since around about my birthday, my desire to know exactly which direction I was trying to make my life take made its move from semi-dormant to completely, utterly, and terrifyingly active. And like I've said before, despite the youthful actuality .. it's true - we don't get any younger.

I know I spend far too much of my time dwelling on what I could have, should have, would have done in the past to make myself a little happier as I stand today. Luckily, along with the birthday came a little bit more clear-headed thinking. A little bit more constructive thinking. A little bit more pro-active thinking.

It's not a new years resolution, as such. But it is a personal resolution.

I will throw away the old ideals, for now they seem nothing but childish and naive.

I will embrace every little chance that life gives me, instead of shying away from it. Change is not always for the worse - it's effects not always consequences. I mean, I knew that already, but fear of the unknown is not that uncommon of a phobia.

I don't mean to leave everything behind and never think about it again. My life has been full of mistakes with valuable lessons. Rampant emotions that have helped me to become who I am - as loveable or as undesirable a character as people choose to see me.

As important as my past has been to me, I have come to realise that it should not be held in so much reverance. Luckily, I now move forward with the past stored firmly in my mind, but also a firm grasp on the fact that the future should not be feared.

It's the best present I could have given myself.